201

201 days! That's all I have.

It seems like a lot of days. More than half a year! 201 days to be good to myself, to learn self control, and to change my life. Right now it all seems possible.

However, I have learned that it's not that easy. Even right now, I could easily say, "Maybe I should start with 200 so it's an even number." Then. I would go binge in the kitchen on food that I don't even really like, all because I made up another excuse to put off my lifestyle change. I'm still on the borderline of having a little bit of self control and having absolutely no self control. I'm hoping to make it to the point where I have COMPLETE self control. I have an addiction, and that addiction is to food.

I'm starting this blog as a way to keep myself accountable, a place to share my true feelings and hold nothing back. I would like to start by being completly honest.

I am currently afraid to weigh myself.

Starting in January 2010, my mother and I embarked on a Weight Watchers journey that was a true success--I lost over 30 lbs!! While I never got to my goal weight, I was proud of myself and content with how I looked and felt. I was on Cloud 9. I was so happy, that I trusted myself too much. And slowly and surely, I lost control. It really only took about 6 months for the 30 lbs, and I painstakingly held it off for another 6 months. But by the beginning of 2012, I was lost. I remember writing in my journal that a New Year's resolution would be to never again have a "splurge" day (thanks 4 Hour Body for even giving me the idea of a "splurge" day--NOT). Unfortunately, it turned out that 2012 was a year of mostly splurges. I lost control. I fell off the bandwagon. I punished myself for doing it, and by doing so, gained all of the weight back. I think.

Last time I weighed (which was maybe a few weeks ago??), I had gained 25 pounds back. I am so disappointed in myself...the point that I just keep eating. What's one more day, right? What's one more cake? But the cycle continues, over and over again, until I am now afraid to weigh myself in fear that I will actually weigh ABOVE what I did when I started my FIRST (well, maybe more like 10th) weight loss journey almost two years ago. Where did the time go? Where did the definition I was beginning to see in my body go? I hate myself for losing sight of what I wanted, or I guess for not wanting it enough. I hate myself for not being able to control my urges, for not having the courage or whatever it is that is needed to JUST SAY NO when I am tempted. I am embarrassed that I lost so much weight and gained it back.

I will admit that it has been a rough year for me in other ways (cant get a job, Grandma died, really depressed, etc), but I do not want that to be an excuse. I am an emotional eater, and that has become more clear than ever this year. But how do I fix it?
 
Today, I officially start a new journey. Two-hundred and one days from now, I will be in one of my sister's wedding. In two-hundred and one days from now, I will looks back on this post and think, "Wow, I was in a bad place, but I'm so much better now." In two-hundred and one days from now, I will be photographed in wedding pictures, and I will be confident, radiant, healthy, and thin.

And when people look at the pictures, they won't point to me and say, "That's The Fat Little Sister."