I FORGOT to post yesterday!!! I'm going to have put this on my daily schedule!
Anyways, I am VERY proud of myself for yesterday evening's happenings. I was home alone (weird, since I live with my parents and some one is ALWAYS around), and often when that happens, I end up SPLURGING. I even argued with myself and though, maybe I should just eat everything and then throw it up. Now, I am not bullemic. But the fact that that was an option for me scares me a bit. I was thisclose to doing it, too.
Instead, I ended up eating a nice healthy salad of greens, tuna, and 6 croutons. Then, as a reward, I had a a vanilla cone from McDonalds. They are only 170 cals, but since I am doing Weight Watchers, they are now 5pp instead of the 3pp they used to be!! I don't get it...but I don't care enough to think it through!
Today was okay as well, so far. One of my gal pals wants to get dinner and drinks tonight but a)I already ate dinner and b)I'm not going to to drink. So, really, it is pointless for me to go, but I feel bad because I've been a bit of a hermit as of late. I can also get a diet soda (I know its bad for me, but right now, it is a saving grace). I could get some fro-yo if we are somewhere around that, but I can't bring that into another restaurant.
Seriously considering canceling....
Gosh I hope things get situated in my life soon!!!!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
200
I guess I should give some background to help my readers understand this dire situation of losing weight.
I have two older sisters who are beautiful, skinny, and smart.
Need I say more?
I don't think that I'm ugly. And I do not think that I am obese (but I may be fooling myself on that one). But I have always lived in the shadows of my sisters' beauty. I'm not the pretty one, because no one can see past my eight. I'm not the smart one, because they are smarter. I'm not the athletic one, because I am the least athletic one in the family. I'm not the accomplished one because I cannot get a job for the life of me. No...I'm just The Fat Little Sister.
Now, I don't mean for this to be a pity party. I have some serious self confidence issues, I know that. But I have promised myself that I will be completely honest at all times. And right now, I'm feeling bad for myself.
So, in 200 DAYS (aaahhhh!!!!) one of my beautiful, skinny, smart sisters in marrying her beautiful, muscular, handy fiance. At this wedding, there will be many people I would like to impress, such as 1) my extended family, 2) my future brother-in-law's attractive friends (including, firefighters, football players, and many other marriage material types), and 3) many strangers.
Now, I have ZERO wish to take anything away from my sister that day, and believe me, even if I lost a million pounds, she would still outshine me. But this is a goal that I REALLY want, and I would love if FINALLY, after 24 years of being The Fat Little Sister, I was just The Little Sister.
That being said...I ate well yesterday, and so far so good today. Let's hope I can keep it up!!!
I have two older sisters who are beautiful, skinny, and smart.
Need I say more?
I don't think that I'm ugly. And I do not think that I am obese (but I may be fooling myself on that one). But I have always lived in the shadows of my sisters' beauty. I'm not the pretty one, because no one can see past my eight. I'm not the smart one, because they are smarter. I'm not the athletic one, because I am the least athletic one in the family. I'm not the accomplished one because I cannot get a job for the life of me. No...I'm just The Fat Little Sister.
Now, I don't mean for this to be a pity party. I have some serious self confidence issues, I know that. But I have promised myself that I will be completely honest at all times. And right now, I'm feeling bad for myself.
So, in 200 DAYS (aaahhhh!!!!) one of my beautiful, skinny, smart sisters in marrying her beautiful, muscular, handy fiance. At this wedding, there will be many people I would like to impress, such as 1) my extended family, 2) my future brother-in-law's attractive friends (including, firefighters, football players, and many other marriage material types), and 3) many strangers.
Now, I have ZERO wish to take anything away from my sister that day, and believe me, even if I lost a million pounds, she would still outshine me. But this is a goal that I REALLY want, and I would love if FINALLY, after 24 years of being The Fat Little Sister, I was just The Little Sister.
That being said...I ate well yesterday, and so far so good today. Let's hope I can keep it up!!!
Monday, December 3, 2012
201
201 days! That's all I have.
It seems like a lot of days. More than half a year! 201 days to be good to myself, to learn self control, and to change my life. Right now it all seems possible.
However, I have learned that it's not that easy. Even right now, I could easily say, "Maybe I should start with 200 so it's an even number." Then. I would go binge in the kitchen on food that I don't even really like, all because I made up another excuse to put off my lifestyle change. I'm still on the borderline of having a little bit of self control and having absolutely no self control. I'm hoping to make it to the point where I have COMPLETE self control. I have an addiction, and that addiction is to food.
I'm starting this blog as a way to keep myself accountable, a place to share my true feelings and hold nothing back. I would like to start by being completly honest.
I am currently afraid to weigh myself.
Starting in January 2010, my mother and I embarked on a Weight Watchers journey that was a true success--I lost over 30 lbs!! While I never got to my goal weight, I was proud of myself and content with how I looked and felt. I was on Cloud 9. I was so happy, that I trusted myself too much. And slowly and surely, I lost control. It really only took about 6 months for the 30 lbs, and I painstakingly held it off for another 6 months. But by the beginning of 2012, I was lost. I remember writing in my journal that a New Year's resolution would be to never again have a "splurge" day (thanks 4 Hour Body for even giving me the idea of a "splurge" day--NOT). Unfortunately, it turned out that 2012 was a year of mostly splurges. I lost control. I fell off the bandwagon. I punished myself for doing it, and by doing so, gained all of the weight back. I think.
Last time I weighed (which was maybe a few weeks ago??), I had gained 25 pounds back. I am so disappointed in myself...the point that I just keep eating. What's one more day, right? What's one more cake? But the cycle continues, over and over again, until I am now afraid to weigh myself in fear that I will actually weigh ABOVE what I did when I started my FIRST (well, maybe more like 10th) weight loss journey almost two years ago. Where did the time go? Where did the definition I was beginning to see in my body go? I hate myself for losing sight of what I wanted, or I guess for not wanting it enough. I hate myself for not being able to control my urges, for not having the courage or whatever it is that is needed to JUST SAY NO when I am tempted. I am embarrassed that I lost so much weight and gained it back.
I will admit that it has been a rough year for me in other ways (cant get a job, Grandma died, really depressed, etc), but I do not want that to be an excuse. I am an emotional eater, and that has become more clear than ever this year. But how do I fix it?
Today, I officially start a new journey. Two-hundred and one days from now, I will be in one of my sister's wedding. In two-hundred and one days from now, I will looks back on this post and think, "Wow, I was in a bad place, but I'm so much better now." In two-hundred and one days from now, I will be photographed in wedding pictures, and I will be confident, radiant, healthy, and thin.
And when people look at the pictures, they won't point to me and say, "That's The Fat Little Sister."
It seems like a lot of days. More than half a year! 201 days to be good to myself, to learn self control, and to change my life. Right now it all seems possible.
However, I have learned that it's not that easy. Even right now, I could easily say, "Maybe I should start with 200 so it's an even number." Then. I would go binge in the kitchen on food that I don't even really like, all because I made up another excuse to put off my lifestyle change. I'm still on the borderline of having a little bit of self control and having absolutely no self control. I'm hoping to make it to the point where I have COMPLETE self control. I have an addiction, and that addiction is to food.
I'm starting this blog as a way to keep myself accountable, a place to share my true feelings and hold nothing back. I would like to start by being completly honest.
I am currently afraid to weigh myself.
Starting in January 2010, my mother and I embarked on a Weight Watchers journey that was a true success--I lost over 30 lbs!! While I never got to my goal weight, I was proud of myself and content with how I looked and felt. I was on Cloud 9. I was so happy, that I trusted myself too much. And slowly and surely, I lost control. It really only took about 6 months for the 30 lbs, and I painstakingly held it off for another 6 months. But by the beginning of 2012, I was lost. I remember writing in my journal that a New Year's resolution would be to never again have a "splurge" day (thanks 4 Hour Body for even giving me the idea of a "splurge" day--NOT). Unfortunately, it turned out that 2012 was a year of mostly splurges. I lost control. I fell off the bandwagon. I punished myself for doing it, and by doing so, gained all of the weight back. I think.
Last time I weighed (which was maybe a few weeks ago??), I had gained 25 pounds back. I am so disappointed in myself...the point that I just keep eating. What's one more day, right? What's one more cake? But the cycle continues, over and over again, until I am now afraid to weigh myself in fear that I will actually weigh ABOVE what I did when I started my FIRST (well, maybe more like 10th) weight loss journey almost two years ago. Where did the time go? Where did the definition I was beginning to see in my body go? I hate myself for losing sight of what I wanted, or I guess for not wanting it enough. I hate myself for not being able to control my urges, for not having the courage or whatever it is that is needed to JUST SAY NO when I am tempted. I am embarrassed that I lost so much weight and gained it back.
I will admit that it has been a rough year for me in other ways (cant get a job, Grandma died, really depressed, etc), but I do not want that to be an excuse. I am an emotional eater, and that has become more clear than ever this year. But how do I fix it?
Today, I officially start a new journey. Two-hundred and one days from now, I will be in one of my sister's wedding. In two-hundred and one days from now, I will looks back on this post and think, "Wow, I was in a bad place, but I'm so much better now." In two-hundred and one days from now, I will be photographed in wedding pictures, and I will be confident, radiant, healthy, and thin.
And when people look at the pictures, they won't point to me and say, "That's The Fat Little Sister."
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